Rant
by bandgrad2008
Summary: Jade's vents about a certain Vega.
1. Jade's Rant

**Disclaimer: I wish...**

**A/N: Gah, finally let me upload this. Okay, first, this is the third Jori one-shot in just as many days. Why am I writing so much? No idea. On the bright side, 1 final down, 3 more to go...wait, what's bright about that? Anyway, Rant. This one...just...y'know? **

**Other story updates. Tangible is on hiatus. I will continue that one as soon as I figure out what to do next, or after I finish Break and Culpable. Culpable is in progress. Those chapters are longer on purpose, and sometimes I just...gotta make them long. I also have two ideas from Invader Johnny that I'm working on. Now that it's almost winter break, I'm going to be a busy lizard. So...**

**Enjoy.**

I can't believe this. Every single time I try, I just…I don't know what to do anymore. I guess you could say it's easier to be around her if I just pretend there is not one single thought that tells me to chase after her and just straight out kiss her. No, I can't do that. Do you want to know why? I have a fucking boyfriend, but it's not him that makes my insides churn like butter. No. It's her. It's always her.

She's so perfect with that damn pretty face of hers, those eyes that make me crumble when she looks at me, that mouth that I just want to kiss every day for the rest of my life. And when she opens her mouth, her voice just...Damn it. I need to stop thinking about her. But I can't. It's absolutely impossible to just get over her and forget everything.

Do you want to know what I hate the most about this, more than the fact that I can't stop thinking about her? I don't want to stop. I hate it so much that I'm beginning to like it, and this love-hate friendship is starting to lose the hate. Do I love her? Yeah, I actually do. And that's the killer thing. I'm questioning whether I even love Beck, my _boyfriend_, but when I think about whether or not I really do love her and the answer is yes. There is no hesitation.

I'm _fucked._

I know she loves me. She has to. Those looks she gives me, things she says to me and how she says them…If she doesn't love me then I'm wasting my time. But I won't give up. I'd rather waste my time than even think for a second that she doesn't care, or that it will never work out, and I'm just so tired of _wanting_. Why can't I just have her? Why can't I just walk up to her and tell her that I love her and that I'm so fucked up that I have no idea about anything normal anymore?

No, loving her isn't normal. It's just…_right._ And she can say it's wrong all she wants to, but she's the one who drives _me_ insane. Okay, so just being herself would drive me crazy, but it's how she is. I just…I can't help myself. And it's so damn…argh! Why her? Why, out of nearly seven billion people in the world, did I have to fall for Tori fucking Vega? Can anyone answer me this?

You're probably scratching your head, wondering why the hell I'm telling you all of this. Honestly, I think you should know. No, I guess the point of telling you this is in hopes that she's reading this. And I do hope she is. She needs to know. She needs to know that she makes me feel like I'm in a bubble and I can see everyone else, but she's the only one that can see me, and I mean really see me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be with her so much that it hurts, and I swear to God, I refuse to say I'm some lovesick teenager that's bleeding poetry or some crap like that. But it's something close to that. I could go days without talking to Beck, but Vega…I can barely go one day, let alone a few hours, without hearing her voice or seeing her or just anything involving her. She's become this constant thing in my life now, ever since she showed up at Hollywood Arts, and I don't just deal with it, I actually want it.

And what does she do? She just…I hate to say it, but she has complete and total control over me. It's like I can't say no to her, or I can't hate her. Who can? She says things like she's wrong for me, and that it would never work. Fuck that. If I thought that and actually believed it, I wouldn't be sitting here like a lost puppy, _wanting _her.

She says all that would ever come out of it is pain. I would get hurt. If she knew half of what happened to me throughout my life, she would understand me, why I am the way I am sometimes. I'm fucked up beyond repair, but when I'm around her…I don't feel that way. I actually feel like I'm a normal human being, one who maybe likes to inflict pain. But with her…Maybe she's the sadistic one. Maybe I want her to hurt me and that's why I haven't given up on this, why I'm still sitting here writing all my _feelings_ on a piece of paper for random strangers to see. Eh, I don't care anymore.

I mean, of course I care about her. She's one of the few things I _do_ care about anymore. And all she does is give me reasons for why I shouldn't. Should I do as she says and just forget it? I can't. If I could I wouldn't be sitting here telling you people this. Oh, but if she's reading this…she has to be aware of what I'm saying and know that she's not going to scare me away. She can push all she wants…and it pains me that I'm pushing back.

For some of you that are wondering, what the hell is this? Why are we listening to Jade West rant about Tori Vega? Okay, first of all, to set the records straight, love isn't all flowers and happiness. No. Love is downright cruel and it hates us all…it tortures us like a bed of nails that we're forced to lie in sometimes, and it's so impossible to recover from the injuries. You can't love someone and _not_ get hurt. It just doesn't work that way. I know this, and I know Vega does.

Yeah, you don't care. Have you ever loved someone? Was it a walk in the park for you? If it was, you're just plain weird and you shouldn't be reading this anyway. I should probably post some example of love being the opposite of a walk in the park, but then you'd never get it and I'd be wasting my time. Oh well. You can go away if you hate it. Just go away. No one likes you anyway.

Let's continue, shall we?

Where was I? Oh right. She pushes me away. Or rather, she tries to. But let me tell you something. Tori Vega is the single most incredible person that I hate. Or love. If you've read this from the beginning then you understand what I mean. I do love her. That much is real. I wish she would understand that.

So I'm going to stop there. Beck, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that you had to find out this way. I had to let it out, and I couldn't have told you in any other way because I honestly didn't know how to. I do love you, I really do. I just…Some things can't be helped. And Tori…if you're reading this, I meant every word I've said. Maybe not every word, but close to it. Just please, understand what you mean to me. I'm sorry for every stupid thing I've ever said, for anything I've ever done to hurt you. Just know…I love you.

_Posting to The Slap…_


	2. Tori's Response

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but a broken heart. Okay...that's false. But I don't own Victorious.**

**A/N: I changed my mind. I know, it was cool as a one-shot, but then I thought...Tori's response will make it even more fun. So...I talked to karurachan1 (by the way, check out The Plan...), and it's going to be a little longer than I thought. The Tori chapters are completely hers. Now that she outshined me by writing a longer chapter...enjoy. ^_^**

Is Jade insane? Please, someone answer me because I can't believe what I have just read on The Slap. I thought I had made myself perfectly clear the last time we talked about it, but it seems like she just doesn't want to understand my point of view. And it's not only about that anymore, we could always talk about it and maybe get to an understanding. After all, my feelings for her are giving me a hard time too, but what she did is too much. Either she is way too brave for her own sake or just completely reckless and inconsiderate to other people's feelings. I mean, I get what she feels, but is it that she only cares about her own feelings? That post was on The Slap! Everyone could, and everyone did, read it.

I just…I feel so guilty about all this, and I don't know how it is that she can't understand it. I was raised to be a good person, to never do things that would make other people suffer, to help them…I'm kind of like Andre in that way…Beck is my friend and …Ugh! Oh my God! How could Jade tell him about her feelings for me in that public, humiliating way? I can't stop thinking about how he must be feeling right now, and I know this is my fault.

Yes because, despite my intentions, it was me. It was always me, right from the beginning. I couldn't help but notice her in that way. Every time she was near me I felt butterflies in my stomach. Every time she talked to me, even when she was insulting me, I couldn't help but feel happy.

And it wasn't just the fact that I think that she is the most beautiful human being in the world (even though saying that is probably too much, it is what I think), no, it wasn't just that, it was everything about her. Her mean ways, how funny she is…I mean, you have to admit the girl has a twisted sense of humor, and I love it. Every time I'm around her my heart starts beating like it's going to escape my chest; her perfume intoxicates me, I desperately try to be even closer to her, even though I shouldn't. Every time she was in trouble, or needed someone to turn to, I was the one who tried to save her and just because I really wanted her to notice me, even if I really wished she never realized my real feelings.

She is smart, a great actress, and she scares me…Above all…she scares me. I never know what she'll do next; she could just smirk at me, or if she is in a bad mood, even threaten my physical being. Not that she would actually hurt me with her scissors, as she has threatened me several times…but she just has temper issues. And somehow, I even find that sort of cute, she is just…All of her is a perfect balance between insane and beauty, and I love it.

Yes, it was me. It was me, who one day couldn't take it anymore and just told her that I liked her. Yeah, I'm a moron, right? I mean, the girl treats me like crap, makes fun of me, and I still tell her I like her. I shouldn't even be mad about this whole thing; it was my mess in the beginning, wasn't it? And now I'm here pretending to be too good to do bad…

It was during one of Sikowitz's assignments. I don't know why, but he insists in making us work together. I guess it could have something to do with him wanting to force the "hate" out of us. Of course, for me it wasn't really that. It was more like me having a nervous breakdown every time I had to be that close to her because for one, I was afraid of her, and two, I really was scared of my actions…Sometimes I tend to do things without thinking, and since I started at Hollywood Arts I have been holding back permanently. The good thing is that I'm learning to improve my acting abilities; singing is natural to me, but acting? That is something I had to learn here; it's not at all like for Jade because since I met her, she has been the greatest performer I have ever seen.

So there we were, in my house working on a skit for Sikowitz, when I screwed up with the scene and of course, she made fun of me and said something obnoxious about me. Why did she have to do that? It was only rehearsal! It is the time to make mistakes before the presentation. I felt so ashamed, so mad that I couldn't take it anymore and my mouth betrayed me. The words just slipped out.

"_I can't believe I actually like you!"_ Once those words came out from my lips it was impossible to take them back. It wasn't supposed to happen, not ever. I was supposed to endure silently the way I felt, manage my thoughts myself where they belong, buried deep inside my head, but it didn't happen that way. No, it did not work out like that at all.

I looked at her, panicking. I tried to tell her that I didn't mean it, but she just smirked at me and next thing I know she was kissing me. Kissing me! Can you imagine?

I mean, don't get me wrong. It was really, really pleasant. But it just wasn't right. I couldn't let that happen so I stopped her and tried to pretend I didn't want this. Then she was all mean to me again but still saying…"You can try to fool yourself, Vega, but you can't fool me."

Since that day things were weird between us. I started running away from her, but in some bizarre way, I'm pretty sure she actually liked that. Is it that she enjoys being the hunter after the prey? Is that what's going on here? Or at least it was.

She never mentioned a word to Beck about our little incident, nor about the conversations we had afterwards, not a word until the post on The Slap. Is she serious about that? I still can't believe it.

I just thought that the last time we talked she had understood. I told her that we would make no sense together, that it would never work out, and we are just too different. Besides, she is with Beck, her boyfriend who happens to also be my friend. There's nothing right about this. I can't…How is that she does not understand? I thought this was even harder for her because she is the one with the responsibilities, but apparently I was wrong.

Breaking a happy couple apart, making her destroy the only thing that has made her happy for what, two and a half years? Destroying Beck's heart too; and not only that, but also making her more of an outsider with her family. Her father, who I know hates the arts and barely stands her attending at an Art school, is also a big homophobe…I just know I would get her in more trouble than I do now. She acts like she is all tough and does not care, but I know she does.

I mean… that one time when I helped her put her play together for her father to see it…I had never seen her so nervous about anything, so I know that for her, her father's opinion matters. And I'm not just being a martyr here, trying to think only about her; I am scared too. I don't want people to think that I am a heartless person who does not care about the rest.

Besides, my dad is awfully traditional, a moral man who stands for what he thinks is right…He was raised to be someone who really "Believes"; my grandma was really religious…I just can't tell him. And even though I love being a half Latina, I feel like it makes me special, different; in my family there are some things that just have to follow moral standards. My mom is cool with it, and so is Trina. She told me that she was even happy that I felt that way, and that I should stick to dating women so she could have the hot guys to herself. Isn't that something you would expect from Trina? Yeah, exactly.

And here I am, speaking as if I was out, but I'm not. I have never dated a girl in my life, I just…like I said before, I'm unable to stop some things, and when I was fifteen I just told my sister what I was starting to feel, and my mom overheard us. That is the only reason…I have dated only boys. I can still do that, I get along pretty well with guys, I feel really relaxed, and smart, completely the opposite from how I feel when I am close to a girl, or more specific, when I am close to Jade…because in the end, she is the only girl who has made me feel this way, strong enough to force me to act on my feelings.

I am scared to death. Now everything is public, now everyone will know… everyone does…What if my dad reads it? He is not a blog kind of guy, but still, he is a cop, and he tends to find out about certain things…At least Jade was kind enough to not say anything about what has actually happened between us.

Why couldn't she just respect my wishes? Why did she have to complicate everything more? She just has to have it her way…and I just have to be a coward…

We could never work out…There is just so much…That is what I keep telling myself, but now…I'm not sure of anything…She is forcing me to make a stand, to decide…to be brave…and I suck at that. I'm not the good person I pretend to be…I try, but it does not work…I know she is in pain, that what she feels is real; and even knowing that, I do what I think is best for me.

I am selfish…I'm going to be bad for her, and she does not believe me. Just like I was bad for Danny…when I was with him I was a mess...confused as hell, and he was the sweetest guy, always trying to help me, even if I didn't actually let him. I ended up breaking up with him because I didn't want to hurt him or keep playing with his feelings…and then…When I saw him with Cat, I felt horrible. I felt like he belonged to me, like he wasn't supposed to be feeling things for someone else…So I did all those things. Yes, I did, I kissed him…just to know if I could…so much for a good girl, right? When I realized that Cat was there, that I had hurt her just for my ego, I felt like trash…You are not supposed to do things like that to your friends…and that was when I decided I would never hurt a friend again…but here I am, and I hurt Beck…and I am hurting Jade…

Oh! My phone again…It hasn't stopped ringing since Jade posted her statement on the web…I have received texts from Cat, asking me if Jade and I were doing a Play on the slap; Robbie, asking me if I had read the post; Rex (yes, Rex texted me a completely different text than Robbie's), asking if things worked out between Jade and me, and would he be allowed to watch. What a creepy puppet; Andre…he just asked me if I was okay, if I wanted him to come over…and a bunch of other people who I didn't even know had my number. The word certainly spread fast, and finally, a text from Beck asking just one thing…"Is it true?" I couldn't stand it…I couldn't answer any of those texts. It's beyond my strength…

And the only person who did not text me was Jade…I guess she said everything she needed on The Slap, right? I decide that she is the only person I'm actually going to text.

_My house, one hour. We need to talk._ I press the send key and go to The Slap again…I need to make some sort of statement…a short answer…and my mind is unsure about what to say…

Should I take it as Cat said? And pretend it is a play? Or something like that…it is an option, but I feel like it would be disrespectful to Jade's feelings…so I just write something different.

_Woo…I had no idea Jade could do something like that…I never knew she was so brave. I guess she may be right…but who knows…I'm just worried about finals. Does anyone else have that problem? Because I do…so…yeah, I'm not telling anything really. xD… Just thought I would make an appearance here to prove to people that I'm alive and already read it because several of you had texted me and asked me that…Btw, I have just realized…Who gave my number publicly? Was it you, Sinjin? I'm telling you, you are in big trouble. I can't even use it anymore; it's full of text messages and missed calls. I can't text anyone back…so Cat, Andre, Robbie, Rex and Beck…I will contact you later…somehow…so, that's it for now. See you at school, you guys!_

I press enter without even reading the post because I think that I may regret doing it and take it back…I'm not as brave or reckless as Jade…This is hard for me…

And thinking about that…I turn off my computer and my phone…It's enough from the web, from venting for the day.


	3. Aftershock

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious but I own one fucked up mind.**

**A/N: So today was my last day of school and finals. Oddly enough, instead of my usual depressed-during-finals state of mind, I've been feeling pretty good. Until now. I'm depressed again. So...I was able to finish this chapter. I just...I'm a horrible person. I want to crawl under a rock. I sorta feel like Jade in this. Sorta. **

**So...enjoy. **

I am so fucked.

What the hell was I thinking, posting that on The Slap? I just wanted to get it out of my system, and now…in my rage and desperation for Vega to understand, I posted it on the most public place, for everyone at school to see. Yes, even Beck and Vega. I told Beck what the fuck I was feeling, _indirectly, _through The Slap, and now everyone knows. There's no taking it back. I can't tell everyone it's a joke because honestly, it's not. I'm an actress, not a liar, and I'm damn sure not going to say, "Oh, I was just pulling a prank. Like I would actually care about Vega…" And the part that hurts the most is that every time I even tell myself that, it feels as though my heart is being smashed with a brick.

It's just too late now. Vega's seen it, and even though my phone has been blowing up with text messages from the group and people I've never even talked to in my life, and I promise I will _destroy_ Sinjin for giving my number publicly…I kept my phone on just in case she texted me. And I know she's going to kill me, probably with my own scissors, and I can't help but feel glad that she isn't just going to ignore me after this. Usually, she might have. But this is different. This isn't some play, although Cat seems to think so…This is reality, and this is about me telling the world I have feelings for her and that I know she has feelings for me too. God, why didn't I just out the girl? That's pretty much what I did, but with less words, right?

I'm a monster. She _has_ to hate me after this. I'm just so stupid that I needed to vent, and I wasn't even thinking while I was doing it. That's like jumping off of a bridge on impulse and being dead before you can go back in time. But what else was I going to do? She kept pushing me away, and she really wouldn't listen to what I was saying. If she thinks I don't know that this is wrong, then she doesn't know that I care enough about her to just put everything at risk for her. Saying I'd take a bullet for her might be a little much, but I do like that kind of thing…Okay, that's not the point.

The funny thing is I haven't even talked to Beck since I posted my rant on The Slap. He's barely called or texted me, and I wonder if he's going to hate me after this too. But what do I have to lose? In the worst case scenario, I lose both of them and they both hate me forever. So when I receive the text that tells me to go to Tori's in an hour, I start to feel really nervous. And that was about five minutes ago. I have fifty-five minutes left, and I have no idea whether to think about what I've done with my life because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be murdered, or if I should try to explain everything to Beck.

What's messed up is that Tori may have been first to tell me she liked me, but I'm the one who kissed her. No, that's not what's messed up. Let me start again. What's fucked up about this whole thing is that I liked her from the minute I started talking to her, back when I made the whole "rubbing my boyfriend" comment. Honestly, Beck doesn't need any more girls chasing after him, and this girl was different. She was the first _I_ actually wanted. I knew I had some attraction to girls, even though I was with Beck and never actually wanted to date any girls, except for Cat, who I was pretty much in love with for six long years of my life, and I even loved her after Vega showed up at Hollywood Arts, but after a month or so, I didn't see Cat like that anymore.

No, that damn half-Latina girl started taking over my every thought and she still does. It's become normal for me now, and getting over it would be like breaking a routine and getting lost in the middle of nowhere. And that's really how I feel sometimes when I don't talk to her or see her. I want her more than I want to be with Beck, and that just…I don't know how else to say it.

So what am I going to do for the next fifty minutes? I'm definitely not going to think about what I've done with my life because that will just put me in a bad mood, and Vega hates that. I wouldn't want to put her through it anyway. I guess the only other thing to do would be to call Beck and explain everything to him. But I know he's going to mess with my mood and then no one will be safe after that. After all, I've got temper problems, as Tori once told me. I suppose I do, since I want to stab a lot of people with scissors for close to no reason.

I don't want to talk to anyone but Tori right now. She's what this is about, and this is what it's going to be. It's not going to be about Beck or Cat or Andre or Robbie or anyone. Anyone else would just put me in a bad mood, and if I'm going to be yelled at by Tori…I don't want the chance of pissing her off even more. That wouldn't turn over well. I don't think anyone has ever seen Tori angry or furious, myself included. Maybe she won't kill me…But who knows? Isn't the killer always the last one you expected? And her dad's a cop too…She would get away with murder and never bat an eye.

I glance at the clock. Forty minutes to go. I'm so anxious that I can't stop pacing my bedroom, which I just realized I've probably been doing since Tori texted me. Maybe I should just call Beck and pass the time or something. What if I went to Vega's early? Would she hit me for not listening to her? Nah, Vega's not the hitting type. Even Cat hit her at one point and she didn't do anything to defend herself. At least we know what Cat's capable of.

I groan and grab my cell phone, annoyed that I even have to do this. Yeah, I get it, Beck's my boyfriend, but honestly I don't want to talk to him right now. There's one single person on my mind, one half-Latina girl that I _need_ to fix things with and figure out what the fuck is going on. Beck picks up on the second ring, automatically starting with "What the hell was that?" Well, this is going better than I thought it would be.

"Look, Beck, I can explain…"

"Oh, you can explain? Are you going to tell me why the hell you just posted _that_ on The Slap, where everyone can read it, instead of telling me in private? You're supposed to tell me everything! And you're not supposed to go around with a fucking _girl_, of all people Tori Vega, behind my back. If you wanted to be with Tori, you should have just said so instead of going through all this shit just to humiliate me. Are you fucking serious, Jade?"

"I love you, Beck…I really do. I'm just…I love her more." I take a deep breath. "I don't know what I was thinking when I posted that. I was just venting, and I didn't realize what I was doing until I pushed the button. Do you honestly think I would do that on purpose? And I didn't know I was going to feel like this for Tori fucking _Vega_ of all people, so just shut the fuck up about it, alright? I feel bad enough that I did that to you because I know you didn't deserve it."

"So this is it? You're just going to throw away two and a half years with me for her? You're going to leave me for someone you supposedly _hate_? That's kind of fucked up, Jade. But you know what, go ahead. If she wants you, that's fine. Right now I don't. I don't even want to talk to you until you tell everyone this is some sick joke and that you're not really in love with Tori, and just get on with your fucking life."

"You know what, Beck? I know what I did was wrong. And I deserve everything you're saying. If you want me to go, I'll go. I'll stop talking to you. I'll do anything to stay away from you. But I _do_ love you. And if you can't believe that then maybe you never did."

I hang up before he can answer and throw my phone on my bed. That didn't go well, but if I'm going to lose him, I better make sure it was fucking worth it. There's twenty minutes before I have to be at Vega's, and I'm just going to start walking now. Fuck it. I need to clear my head.


	4. Crescendo

**Disclaimer: Victorious is not mine, not hers, not anyone's but Dan Schneider.**

**A/N: This would have been posted earlier, but I couldn't do it. Even though I finished editing it at 2am this morning...Again, another _long_ chapter by karurachan1...If you haven't read her Jori fic, check it out. Or if you're into The Secret Circle. And review...Or I'll find you.**

**Enjoy. ^_^**

Tori's POV

So I wonder why I had to tell her that I needed an hour. I mean, that just makes me wait. It was not a smart move, it just sounded good in my head. I had things to do; it's just that right now, I don't really remember what. And of course, it's not like I could get distracted calling somebody because I had to turn my cellphone off due to all of those calls and texts, and I had to turn off the computer too because I tend to visit the Slap, and I just didn't want to read any more comments about Jade's brilliant post.

And it's not like I can talk to anyone in my family. My parents are not going to be back until tomorrow, and Trina is in a beauty spa day, so she won't be coming back until nighttime, which I sort of appreciate because I don't want to deal with her comments or questions at all. I mean, she does not make annoying comments, but still it's not something I want to talk about. And I certainly don't want my father knowing about the post on the Slap, which would be way too much to handle.

It's still more than forty minutes until she gets here so I guess I could just take a shower. Those always seem to take a lot of time from me so I guess it is a good way to work this out. It will help me clear my head and to spend time, not to mention I love the feeling of hot water pouring through my body.

I was right, the water relaxes me. For a moment it takes me away from all the problems I have right now. All I can do is feel the drops of water washing every worry away from me, all I can do is stay there and sing for a moment. That makes me smile. But it's over way too soon. I know that I have to get out of here and get dressed soon to talk to Jade. Oh my God, what was it that I was going to say to her anyway?

Wait, I am mad…so I am going to be mad at her and tell her how disappointed I am…and I really want to kiss her so…ugh! I'll see when she gets here. I'll just get dressed now.

After I'm ready and dressed, another five minutes go by and I'm sitting on the couch staring at the floor, when I hear a knock on the door. It's got to be her, so I walk slowly to the door, take a deep breath and open.

"Come on in," I say without looking into her eyes.

She steps in, looking nervous. I don't think I have ever seen her like that. I mean, I've seen her cry when she broke up with Beck; I've seen her mad more times than I would like…but she was always so confident that I never thought this day would come. It makes me feel weird, like she sees me as a grandparent who is going to ground her or something.

"Hi," she says, a shy smile appearing on her face. It is so sweet…it makes me want to hug her, but then I remember what she did, the reason she is here right now, and I just nod with my head, acting distant.

"Hello Jade," I answer, looking directly to her eyes, frowning. She looks away.

"Tori..." She tries to talk, but I don't really feel like letting her speak right now.

"Tori what, Jade? Tell me." My words came out with even more resentment I expected. I just don't know what she will say; I don't know how she will explain any of this.

"Look, I'm sorry...whatever you're going to say, I know I deserve it," she says, looking at me, making me drown into the pools of her eyes. It's just so unfair she is making me forget what I want to say. No, I can't let it happen.

"Oh, you do now? You're so understanding, Jade...You know everything," I say, looking at her, trying to let her know that I'm not letting this go easy.

"What do you want me to say? That I didn't mean it?" Yeah, like she would say that.

"No, because that would be a lie, I know you meant it," I hurry to answer, I'm sure I'm right about that. I know that much. She really does what she wants.

"Yes, I did. And I'm not taking it back." Figures, she really does not care.

"This is just...Just awesome..." I can't believe it. I want to strangle her so badly, but I can't get closer, or I may do something completely different.

"What?" she says defiantly.

"How can you not realize...You screwed up people's lives, people's feelings, just because you felt like it, because you needed to 'say things'," I try to explain to her because I don't understand how it is that she doesn't see it. I stand up and walk a couple of steps in her direction.

"I didn't mean to post it to the Slap..." She sounds so honest, but that does not make it right.

"Yeah, right...Now you are not making any sense...You just told me you did mean it." It's the only thing I can say because she is not making sense right now.

"Damn it! You're not listening...I said I meant what I said. But I didn't mean to make it public like that." I stare at her. She is breathing fast. I can tell she is trying really hard not to explode right now. She is mad at me.

"Right, Jade, that is just what I need. Yell some more. It's just what I need," I tell her, hoping she relaxes. I don't like people yelling. It makes me nervous.

"I'm not yelling," she says, looking away. I can see she regrets raising her voice.

"Yeah, believe what you choose, just as always. You say you didn't mean to post it on the Slap, why couldn't you just send it to me?" It could have been so easy, but no, Jade does not do easy, she just has to make everything hard, her way.

"I wasn't thinking." She walks to me, like she's trying to reach me, but I turn away.

"Clearly...You were just thinking about yourself. I mean...how could you do it? Why didn't you think about Beck? About me?" I can't stop being worried about him. I feel awful. It is my fault, after all.

"I thought about you...I can't stop thinking about you. That's the problem. I can't think straight because you just...You're you. I don't even think about Beck the way I think about you." When she says this, my heart rises. I can't stop the heartbeats, but I need to, I need to stop them if I want to have this conversation.

"So...it is my fault now? Look, I like you too, but you have to stop being so reckless. You could mess things up real bad...Wait...what did you say about Beck?" Did she say she does not think about Beck?

"Is that even important?" Is she not listening to me? I'm trying to make a point and she just has to go the other way…well, it is Jade.

"What? Messing things up? Yes, it is. I don't know what it is that you want. But I just can't be like this," I point out. I need her to understand it.

"I want you, Vega. That's what I want." Her words get to my heart and make me melt…I want to tell her that I want her too so badly...but no, it's not right.

"You want me...but your actions…They are messing up everything. Look, my Dad...what if he finds out? What if your father finds out?" I want her to know why it is that I am so mad about this.

"My father hasn't cared about me in a long time. What he says doesn't matter," she says, but when she speaks her voice trembles and her eyes stop staring at me. I know she is lying.

"You know that is not true. I know you, Jade...I love you! I know you care about your father. He is important to you. And my father is important to me. I'm scared to death he'll finds out. I don't want him to be disappointed in me," I say, almost screaming. I can feel the tears coming out my eyes, but I don't let them out. Just the thought about my father finding out, it's just too awful.

"Look, if he has a problem with it, I'm going to prove to him that I'm not giving you up. This isn't some silly little infatuation, Tori. I mean it. And if he hates me, oh well," she says, and there she goes, trying to be my knight in armor, but she does not understand what I'm trying to say.

"No, you don't get it. He believes…he is a religious man; he won't hate me, or you. But he won't want me around anymore, and I couldn't take it. I just...I don't know why you had to do it your way..." I go and sit again. I don't think I can stand anymore. She follows me.

"So he'd rather you be with some jerk that you don't even care about, as long as it's a guy...instead of you being with someone you love, even if they're a girl? That's really messed up," she declares. I know she is right, I know it sounds insane, but that does not change anything.

"That's how it works, Jade. And that's beside the point. We could have been together…" I stop there, thinking about how easy could have been if I hadn't been a coward, if she hadn't posted that… "But you ruined it. You never even said a thing to Beck about us, about what you were feeling...tell me...how was I going to trust in you?" I don't know…I don't understand her.

"I didn't tell Beck because it was none of his business..." she states and I see hate in her eyes. How can she speak like that about him? It's not his fault.

"That is not fair, and you know it. He is your boyfriend, I think he has every right to know if his girlfriend doesn't want to be with him anymore...Or is it that you want to be with both of us?" When that idea comes to my mind I panic. That would be even worse than this.

"No! I don't want to be with both of you. I don't know. I love Beck, but I love you more. I just...no, I want to be with you, not him." She struggles with the idea; I can see how her mind is working when she says this.

"So you are not even sure...You are not even sure and you put everything in the line...venting...on the Slap." It does not make sense. She isn't sure of wanting me but still risks everything like that.

"I'm well aware I made that mistake, Vega," she replies, and there I see her usual Jade face, looking at me like she is really pissed at me.

"You are not even sure..." My words come out more like a plea. I want her to tell me that she is sure, that she loves me and only me. I know I'm the one who's not making sense right now, but I can't help it. My heart wants to know that I am in hers.

"I'm sure that I want you. And I'm sure that I love you more." More…is the only word I get.

"You love me more than you love him." I look away. She still loves him, I'm just the other choice.

"Yes...I do..." she steps to me and takes my hand. It burns.

"It's not right..." I say, losing my strength, letting her get close.

"Why not?" she asks, looking confused.

"Because..." It's all I can say, letting go of her hand. She is frustrated now, sitting next to me.

"That's not an answer, Vega…" Seeing her so mad like that, it's kind of funny.

"It is an answer...just not a very satisfactory one," I say, smiling a little...but then I'm serious again. "Look, it could ruin our lives...our parents...our friends...I'm hurting people...I'll hurt you..." I remember all those things I've done in the past, and I just know I would do more wrong to her that right.

"I'm tired of you saying that. You're not good enough for me, you'll hurt me...Come on, Vega..." she says, tired, closing her eyes, frowning.

"Yes, and I am tired of you not believing me," I answer as fast as I can. I don't get why she does not believe me when I say what I do. I know I will hurt her. It's all I'm good at.

"I do believe you. I just don't care that you will. Is what you'll eventually do worth throwing it away now?" And it makes me think…

I bite my lip and look at the floor. "I don't know...I don't know anymore...How could you not care, Jade? This could end in a few weeks, and we would have thrown everything in the trash just for a crush...is it worth it?" I ask. Just for a crush? Is that what it is?

"To me, it is. I care about you, not that you'll hurt me. I care that I'd rather know than wonder 'what if I had given Vega a chance...'" she states and seeing her fight so hard for this makes me crumble.

"So you really want to give this a shot, Jade?" I ask, looking at her, directly in her eyes. I want to know what she sees in me, what makes her want me so badly.

"Yes, I do," she whispers, and there is no shadow of a doubt on what she says.

"I don't know...I just...It's too much. I can't think right now..." I try to tell her because I can't.

"I'm not forcing you..." she starts saying.

"No, you see, that is exactly what you're doing, outing me like that on the Slap, telling all our friends what you feel...I should hate you right now." I stop her sentence with my words.

"Why don't you?" she asks. I didn't really expect that question so I answer to her the best I can.

"Because I can't, because this feeling won't let me. And you just stand there, asking me to give everything up for you…you giving everything up for me...asking me to just…try." I stare at my lap, like if there was the answer.

"Tori...look...If you want, I'll wait. You can think it through and whatever you decide...If you want to try..." Her green eyes look so kind, so different for me, that I wish I could give her a different answer, but I can't.

"Okay, I just...I need to think about this…" I begin, and she stops me laying a hand on my shoulder.

"I know..."

"Are you still with Beck?" Suddenly that idea comes to my mind. I can't believe I didn't ask her this before.

"No." She is not? Why didn't she tell me this before?

"No? When did you...?" My voice stays in my throat, unable to finish the sentence.

"I tried to explain to him, and I just...He wants me to say this is some sick joke and he won't talk to me until I do. We're as good as done," she says, looking annoyed. Now she is looking at her lap, like she's trying to calm herself.

"I get it...so...you are not officially over yet." He wants to stay with her.

"Honestly? I hope we are."

"I see...Well I appreciate your honesty...Jade...I just...Trina will be home soon, so..." I try to sound as subtle as I can…but apparently I don't.

"You want me to go," she says, acid in her voice. She's almost mad.

"No...It's not exactly that...I just...this is a lot to deal with and...You being here does not help me to think." And it's true, when she is around, I can't think straight. Yeah, with Jade, there are no straight thoughts.

"No, I get it. I'll see you at school." She stands up and starts walking to the door.

"Thanks for understanding...I'll...I'll call you later, alright?" I say, hoping she is not feeling sad.

"Alright…" Her words show me she is upset. I messed up too, didn't I?

"Bye Jade," I say, and something inside me does not want her to leave.

"Bye," she says, turning away from me, grabbing the doorknob.

"Wait," I say, almost desperately.

"What?" She turns to face me, mad, but I ignore that and just take her and pull her close to me, kissing her. It's the first time I do this, and I just need to let her know that my feelings were not far away from hers.

"Just...try to understand me," I beg.

"I'm trying…" She is still mad. I can see it in her eyes.

"And I'm trying to understand you." I don't like her being mad. I am the one who should be upset.

"Why would you try to understand me?" Her eyes soften, looking at me from the door.

"Because I have to, if I didn't...I wouldn't be talking to you right now... have to believe in you."

"You think I'm lying…" Of course she would take it the wrong way. She exasperates me.

"No...Maybe...I don't know...I mean...I believe you...I just don't know why you do what you do," I explain the best I can, but the best I can is not clear at all.

"Why I do what I do?" She frowns, confused.

"Yes Jade...You are so...hard to read...I never know why you do what you do...I never know what to expect," I say to her, frowning too, remembering all those times she threatened to kill me with her scissors, or the times she tried to kiss me.

"You want me to be more predictable...?" she states, like she can't believe what I'm saying.

"No Jade, you don't understand. I love how you are; I like everything about you...even the part that scares me...I just…ugh! Why must you do everything so difficult?" I sigh.

"I'm the one making things difficult?" She lets a huff out, like she's letting me know she thinks I'm the one making things hard.

"Yes! You are outing me, you broke things with Beck in the wrong way...you are making things more difficult...I know I'm not making them easy but...I just wish we would have handled this differently," I say, remembering why we were talking about this.

"Okay, outing you was a mistake I didn't mean to make," she says, sighing, like she regrets it more than anything.

"It's okay...there's nothing to do about it now...just...I need time to think about what to do," I tell her, trying to calm her down. We need to figure out what to do about it now.

"Okay…" She nods.

"Hug me please," I beg her because I really need a hug from her. I want to remember why it is that we are putting all on the line for; I want to feel her close to me.

"You said me being here doesn't help...Won't hugging you make it worse?" she asks acidly, making me feel like an idiot for even suggesting the idea. Yes, she is unpredictable, just when I think that she wants me.

"You know what? You're right...just...go...Now," I tell her, looking coldly into her eyes. I feel hurt, it's more than my pride, I feel really stupid, and I need her to go away now, otherwise she may see me cry.

"Alright…I will..." she says, opening the door.

"Okay...take care," I add, staring directly at her, so she won't see me sad.

"See you at school, Vega…" She glares at me, just for a moment before stepping out the door.

"Bye Jade," I say, watching how she walks away.

"Bye…" she answers from the distance, without turning around to look at me.

I go back inside the house and direct myself to my room. There is so much I need to think about…I thought when she came I was going to just tell her what I think, but no…she just had to come here looking so Jade…and…I end up almost giving in, getting hurt again.

I'm a mess.


	5. Storm

**Disclaimer: You know...one of these days...Nah, never mind.**

**A/N: So...I was depressed this morning and managed to write this chapter. I can't be happy, no, never happy, except about my brother coming home from Iraq next week. ^_^ Just in time for Christmas. Oh, and someone else makes me happy, but that's none of your business so just carry on. xD**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 5

How could I be so fucking stupid? I'm trying so hard not to be angry at Vega, but goddamn it, the girl infuriates me. But I love her anyway. Why can't I stop? I'm still trying to figure that out. And maybe I should have before I lost sight of things and threw everything on the Slap. She wanted me to hug her…Why the fuck didn't I just hug her? Right, I didn't because it would make things worse. Yet she kissed me.

The girl confuses me.

She _did_ say she loves me, though. If nothing else, I know that much. So why is it so difficult for her to understand that I love her too? I know the whole "I still love Beck" thing kind of stands in the way. But what am I supposed to do? I can't just stop loving him after being with him for so long. That would be like throwing away every single pair of scissors I own because "I felt like it." And I will _never_ get rid of my scissors. I don't care if someone threatens me with them.

To be honest, I don't want both Beck and Tori. I just want Tori, but my stupid brain stumbled over that thought and I couldn't give a straight answer. I hate thinking sometimes. All it ever does is bring some problem along with it, telling me to do something that _should _be the right thing, but I don't want to do it. I want to do what I feel like doing. But apparently she thinks that doing what I feel like doing means that I don't give a damn about her, and that couldn't be any farther from the truth.

I care about Vega, more than I've cared about anyone in my life, even more than Beck. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. And I wish she understood that. Then I wouldn't keep feeling so ridiculously stupid about all of this.

I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of everything. I can't help but feel that she thinks this is all some game to me or something, that I just want her for the hell of it. But it's not. I'm being as serious as possible, about her, about wanting to be with her, about what I said on the Slap. I didn't mean to post it. I just needed to vent, and I didn't realize what would happen afterward. I just didn't care about the consequences.

But I don't want her to get in trouble. I've met her father on a few occasions, but he never seemed to be the type who would shun his daughter, even if she was a criminal and stirring up problems. Hell, if she did that…I'd still love her. I must be insane. But if she doesn't want him to know, then I'll listen to her. Even if it kills me, I'll do what she asks of me.

At this point, I'd do anything she'd tell me to.

That's kind of messed up because I'm sure I wouldn't jump off of a bridge if she told me too. Or at least…I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. Why would I want to? I mean, sure I love the girl, but I don't think doing something stupid like that would bring me any good. What the hell was I talking about?

All I want is a chance with her. I don't want to wonder "what if?" all the damn time. I want to know for sure and be able to say that I know. Even if no one else knows, I want her to know. Yeah, I'd rather be able to walk through the hallways at school and say that I love her, in public, where everyone can hear me. But that's never going to happen. I know it won't. And that's what hurts more than anything. She says she'll hurt me…She doesn't understand that I hurt myself, just by thinking about what I want and can't have.

I reach my house and walk up the driveway. My father's home, but I pay no attention to him as I head upstairs to my room. My phone has been ringing nonstop, but unless I get a text or a call from Vega, I'm not answering it. I'd say the same for Beck, but he made it clear that he's not going to talk to me until I stop loving Vega…or something. And I think he knows that's never going to happen. So I'm considering us broken up.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I glance at the latest text message, which is from Trina. What the hell would she be texting me for? No, the better question would be how she even got my number…Oh, wait, Sinjin publicly posted it. God, I'm going to kill him. I roll my eyes at the text. Of course it would be typical of her to ask if she can have Beck if I'm going to be with her sister. Not that it matters, but at least someone is fine with us if Vega does decide to give us a chance.

I sigh, lying down on my bed. I'm not one to wait around hopelessly like some lovesick teenager because I'm not. I'm not hopeless and I'm not lovesick, no matter what anyone says. This would be better if Vega was here with me, but I can only dream for now.

My phone rings for the hundredth time, and I groan, glaring at Beck's name flashing on my screen. I let it ring, but unfortunately he doesn't take the hint and calls again. I snatch up my phone and hold it to my ear, ready to yell at him. "Jade, look, are you going to say this is all just some stupid joke you and Tori are pulling on everyone?" How dare he ask me that?

"No, Beck, I'm not going to say that. Do you know why? This isn't some stupid prank that Vega and I are pulling on everyone. This is real. And I'm sick of you not listening to me. I don't want to be with you anymore, and yes, I _am_ breaking up with you for the final time. Do you understand _that_? And if you're going to act like an ass about the whole thing, then don't ever talk to me again. And don't talk to Tori because I swear, if you say one thing to hurt her feelings, I will make it the last thing you ever say."

"Are you threatening me?"

I roll my eyes. "No, Beck, I'm _promising_ you." I hang up and move to my computer. Let's make this a little better, although I'm sure Vega won't see it until later. I think she'll be avoiding the Slap for a while, all because of my stupid mistake that honestly, I don't regret it. And it feels weird that I don't, but it's the truth.

Once on the slap, I change my relationship status and notice that Beck changed his too. Oh well, now people will definitely know that it's over between Beck and me and that this is serious.


	6. Decisions

**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious or the amazing other person who writes this...(Pretty sure she owns me...)**

**A/N: Sorry it's been a few days since this was updated. Karurachan1 had some tests...And I haven't updated my other stories because I've been busy and mad at myself for not updating for you guys. Forgive me? I think you can. And give some love. Today's someone's birthday. Or it was...Eh. Just review.**

**Enjoy.**

Tori´s POV

It hurts... I wanted to tell her so many things. I wanted her to understand me, to understand why I can't just do what she asks me to do... but I ended up understanding her instead, almost giving in, asking her to hug me... and on top of all, she refused. Is it that she enjoys making me make a fool of myself? Is that it? Because that makes a lot of sense, it would explain so much. Even if I say that I need to think, that I'm not sure of anything yet, I thought she would scare my fears away by hugging me, and then it would all be okay, but... it didn't happen that way.

No, Jade does things her own way and maybe in some parallel twisted universe, the right thing to do when the girl that you "supposedly" like (or claim to love) asks you something as simple as hug, a mere display of affection, is to humiliate her, to make her feel stupid and dumb. Well, what can I do? That is the way that Jade has always made me feel. I'm never good enough; I am always thinking that she is too good for me. And she loves that, I know it, she also thinks she is better than me.

I've tried to shine to make myself more confident about it, but it hasn't exactly worked. I wanted to stop feeling so small around her, but in some weird way, all I managed to do was to piss her off. It seems like no matter what I do, I always end up pissing her off. How do I do that?

I mean, it wasn't my intention to make her feel bad, not at all, but she just... was acting difficult, like she came in the fighting mood. And I was a little mad myself, I tried to establish the limits, but it didn't work out... she is too Jade for that. She looks at me with those beautiful eyes, and I feel weak.

I told her I loved her, I even kissed her, come on! That should have been enough for any other human being to think, to know that I was considering her as an option, that I was asking her to wait a little for me until this whole situation was settled.

I've been in my room for almost two hours, doing nothing other than thinking, thinking about Jade, about how much I like her, about how wrong it is, about how she reacted, about how my dad would react, and even though I should be braver about this and just face the fact that I like girls and I shouldn't spend all my life lying about how I feel. Because in the end, this is how I feel and lying is just as bad as doing the "wrong thing", right?

I don't know... I remember when I was little and everyone on my father's side of the family was in the house and they prayed; they did that every time we were going to eat and always refer to "The Lord". My dad had never looked so happy; in a way it was like he was among people who were just like him.

He told me once a couple of months ago, how he imagined my wedding; me, dressed in a beautiful white dress, in a big chapel and all our relatives and my friends, me singing a song during the after party, my sister running a fashion business, and he even told me that I had to choose wisely to my future husband, because he was going to use all in his power to make sure he was the right one for me. Meaning, he would make a police control or something like that.

I mean, he has this fantasy about my wedding, he even asked me if I had thought about how I'm going to name my kids... My kids! That freaks me out. I can't think about that, not even if I was straight, it's way too soon for that.

I am going to disappoint him so badly. Even if he doesn't hate me, he is going to know that the dream of his life for me is never going to happen. My mom was there that day when my dad started telling me about how he pictured my future wedding, she just stared at me, looking sad, because he was just so happy thinking about that, and my mom knows that that isn't going to happen, and even if it does, I'm not going to be happy.

I'm thinking about that when I listen the door opening. It must be Trina, she came home early. I thought the day in the Spa was going to last longer than that. But apparently it didn't. I just hope she stays downstairs or in her room because I don't want to talk to anyone right now.

"Tori!" her voice comes to my room really loud, and I can hear her footsteps coming closer. So much for not talking to anyone right now. I guess I'll just have to talk to her, maybe she will distract me from everything going on in my mind, maybe hearing all about her beauty spa helps, who knows? Maybe I should even go with her and just think about trivial things for once.

She opens up the door and looks really happy. Almost ecstatic, actually. Well, I underestimated the effect Spas have on her. Whatever, I must fake some interest on her day now.

"Hey, Trina, how was your day? Good time in the spa?" I ask her, and she steps in and sits next to me before she replies.

"It was really good. I mean, the lady who was taking care of me told me she had never worked with someone with such a good skin." She looked really proud of that. Well, I guess the industrial amount of lotion finally paid off. I smile, thinking about how this is somehow refreshing.

"Oh! Good, well, you are the person who takes the best care of her skin that I know," I say because it's true, and I know that she likes to be complimented.

"I know, right? But wait, I wasn't going to talk about that. You take such an interest into me, and I understand it because I am so awesome, and it is normal that younger sisters look up to their more beautiful and more talented older sister, but I am here to talk about something different," she stated like she was making an important announcement.

"Oh, okay, tell me, what's up?" I ask her.

"Well, first of all, sis, I can't believe you didn't tell me about what was going on! Congratulations, Tori." Wait, what is she talking about?

"Trina... I honestly have no idea what you're talking about," I tell her, and she looks at me like I was insane, and well, I think I am, but that has nothing to do with what she is saying. She needs to tell me the context of her words.

"Duh! I am talking about you breaking up Jade and Beck, Tori. Don't pretend you don't know about that, sis, I saw the reply you gave to Jade on "The Slap". By the way, it was really smooth." That isn't making sense... I mean, I take that she read the infamous post Jade did and my answer, but that does not mean Jade and Beck broke up.

"Trina, I love you, but why do you think that they broke up? And why do you congratulate me?" I have a bad feeling about what she is going to say, but I ask nonetheless. I am curious about where did she got that information.

"Well, first of all, I know they broke up, girl! I took the info from the most reliable source there is: The Slap." I look at her confused.

"What do you mean?" I feel so dumb by asking these things, but I prefer to make sure I understand everything.

"I mean they changed their Slap statuses, dummy," she says like is the most obvious thing in the world.

"They did what?" My voice is barely noticeable, it seems like it's hard for me to make a sound.

"Jeez, you are having problems concentrating, right? Well, I will explain. They broke up, they changed their Slap statuses, and now they are both single, Tori," she explains really slowly, like she were explaining to a small kid.

"Oh!" I say because I'm really not capable of much else.

"Mhm, finally! So, congratulations Tori! You did well." She is smiling at me like I won a contest.

"Why are you congratulating me, Trina? I did nothing." I am feeling really dizzy now.

"Come on, don't be shy! I know you love that weird girl, and it's cool, besides, now her hot ex-boyfriend is free for me! I just always knew that you liking girls was a good thing, little sis. I love you so much right now!"

"Wait, so, they broke up... Jade and Beck are single... and you want Beck for yourself? Isn't that a little weird? I mean, if Jade and I are a couple, and I'm not saying that we are, not at all; how do you expect that you being my sister are also going to be dating my girlfriend's ex?" I ask, and it sounds so weird to say that... My girlfriend...my girlfriend. I know we are nothing like that, but it sounds so serious, so real.

"It's not weird at all! Besides, it's not like I'm marrying the guy, Tori. I just want to go out with him a couple of times. Come on, you should be happy about this news, and about me being so supportive with my little sister, I am a good sister, don't I?" she says and it makes me smile. Her narcissistic self makes me laugh.

"Okay, Trina, you win. I am happy about you being supportive about it, and if you think you can go out with him, just go for it," I say with a smile.

"Thanks, sis. Oh my God! This is so huge; I need to go to talk to my BFF about it to make a plan. Talk to you later, Tori. Bye." And just like that, she is nearly running to her bedroom.

Who would have thought talking to Trina about it actually helped, even if it gave me a lot to think about? And that's the thing. I have a lot to think about now. They are no longer together, for real this time, it's not just a "maybe." I mean, Jade broke up with Beck for me, or at least that's what I think. Jeez, I should do something, right? I don't know... it's just, if she made that decision in order of being with me, I should make an effort too, right?

I hate this being so difficult. It should be easier.

What if Beck broke up with her and now hates us both? Should I do something about that? Yes... I should... at least I need to make sure he is alright somehow... so I do the only thing that makes sense right now. I turn on my phone.

"Andre, may I ask you a favor?" I text him.

"Yeah girl, tell me, what do you need me to do?" he replies in less than a minute.

"Please go and talk to Beck and find out how he is. I am worried about him," I explain. I really am and I need to know.

"Sure, Tori, I was thinking about going to check up on him anyway. I'll keep you posted," he replies.

"Thanks, Andre, I owe you one. Talk to you later. Take care."

I shut down my phone and get back to lying in bed, thinking about that girl once again. She is risking it all for me. Maybe I should risk it all for her.


	7. Knock

**Disclaimer: Not no way, not no how.**

**A/N: This chapter's pretty short. I've been in a bad mood the past couple of days, so I'm just...here. Just read.**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 7

This has seriously been a long day. And for some reason it feels like it's only going to be longer, even after everything that's gone on.

I roll over and glance at my alarm clock, the green numbers blinding against the darkness, even though it's only nine thirty at night, and honestly I don't even know why I'm in bed. I'm not tired at all; I guess I just wanted to get away from anyone and everything that could bother me. Dinner had been painfully _normal_ and I couldn't take any more of the thick silence that smothered my father and myself like a fireproof blanket.

Actually, I wonder if it really had been fireproof. What if someone lit a match and…Wait, what am I even going on about? Although I'm sure it wouldn't be silent after that. I had to finish the thought. This is my inner monologue; get your own.

I groan and stare up at the ceiling. This is the most agonizing moment of my life. And usually I'm the one to call for pain, but God save me this is not what I meant. I reach for my phone, turning it on and wait for the messaging system to finish initializing so that I can read the ridiculous texts from people I don't even want to talk to. Even Sikowitz left me a text. Okay, that's just plain creepy. I don't think any teacher should have their students' phone numbers, not even for emergencies.

Maybe I really did screw up. I've lost Beck. And the way I've been with Vega, I guess I've lost her too. She hasn't said it in so many words, but it feels like it, especially after the whole hug refusal thing. I don't know. She makes me think so many things that I'm so paranoid that I'm going to do nothing but screw up with her.

I don't know when I started caring this much about someone. Maybe I should just turn back into the cold-hearted bitch I used to be and forget Vega. This is giving me a headache. I scroll through the address book on my phone and click on the name I'm searching for. Granted this is not the best idea with everything that's going on, I need to talk to someone. As soon as the other end picks up, I mutter, "Come over as soon as you can," and hang up.

The house is silent when I finally crawl out of bed and head downstairs and I figure my father went back to the office for more work. The front door opens and closes and I roll my eyes, waiting for Cat to come through the house and meet me in the living room. She wastes no time and practically bounces when she sees me. "What's up, Jade? Why didn't you answer any of my texts or calls?" She tilts her head in that cute little way of hers and I sigh.

"Too many people were trying to get ahold of me and the only person I wanted to talk to was Tori. Don't take it personally, Cat. You're still my best friend." To which, she shouts "Yay" and hugs me. I push her away gently. "We need to talk." She stares at me in confusion and I smile. "Don't worry, it's nothing bad. It's just about what was on the Slap."

She claps her hands. "Are you and Tori in a play?" I shake my head slowly and she stops. "So you…You really like Tori like that?" I hesitate before I nod, and she gasps, covering her mouth. "I knew it! I knew you two liked each other!" Okay, Redhead's confusing the hell out of me. How did she know anything that was going on with Vega and me? She smirks, something I've never seen her do. "Oh come on, Jade! You two are so obvious sometimes. The looks, the smiles…Did you think no one noticed?"

I shrug. "So why did you think we were in a play if you already knew what was going on?" Vega and I were certain we were so careful, since I was with Beck and if anyone told him that Vega and I were…friends…that he would be suspicious. I guess the cat's out of the bag.

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, like I was going to say something in front of…how many people are on the Slap? Besides, I thought that maybe you guys were doing a play or something and didn't want it to be obvious. You may be actresses, but you're not good at hiding _everything_." She stands and goes to the kitchen, and I follow her. "So now that you and Beck are good and done, what are you and Tori going to do?"

"I'm not so sure Tori and I are going to _do_ anything." She raises her brow. "We sort of, maybe, had a not-so-pleasant conversation, and I guess I've lost her too." She nods and digs through the fridge, pulling out two cans of soda and handing me one. Cat's been over here _way_ too many times… "I don't know what to do, Cat. Part of me wants to keep trying and winning her over. The other part of me says 'fuck it, leave her alone.' And sometimes I think I should just leave her alone. It's what she wants."

"You know damn well it isn't," she argued. "And you need to stop giving up so easily. Every time you audition for a play or something and Tori gets the part, you get mad and then you leave it. You give up and just let her win. And I'm not saying that you always lose, but you don't try hard enough. Do you really want to lose her like this? Just because you were dumb enough to post everything on the Slap, you still made it known that you don't give a damn what other people think about it."

"Tori's scared of what her father's going to think. I don't want to push her anymore about it because that seems to be the downfall of everything. Every time I tell her not to care what he thinks, it's like a wall shoots up and I'm forced away from her."

Cat shrugs. "Then you're going to have to figure out what to do about it."


	8. Betrayed

**Disclaimer: Victorious is not ours.**

**A/N: Posting late at night. **

Tori's POV

Is it morning yet? It has to be because for some reason my alarm clock started ticking even if today is Sunday. What a great way to start my day, at seven on a day I'm supposed to wake up late, the one day I should be resting. But it doesn't matter anyway, it's not like I got much sleep last night, not after everything that has happened, especially not after what Andre told me.

Last night I was lying in bed with the lights turned off, I was almost falling asleep, oblivious for a moment from all the thoughts that had haunted me during that long day, when I received a text message. It was from Andre. I remembered then I had asked him to go to check on Beck, so I quickly read it and it said only four words: "We need to talk".

I came out from my numbness instantly because I know there's not a single universe where those words mean something good (or maybe there is, what would I know about it), so I run my fingers through my hair, taking a minute before I reply to his text, I really don't want to hear any bad news, but I guess if I must take the hit, it's better that I take it fast, as painless as possible. Thinking about that, I finally text him back, "Sure, come over to my house, we can talk here".

After that, he tells me he'll be here in half an hour, so I do the best I can to wake myself up, to keep myself occupied, and try to forget about the angst going through my chest. I go downstairs and head to the kitchen, maybe there's something there for me to do. Yes there is; apparently Trina was hungry and tried to cook and left a mess behind. The truth is that usually I'll be mad at her for doing that, but this time I'm actually kind of happy she did because it helps me to kill time, to not think. I really don't want to think.

I'm washing the last dish when I hear a knock on the door. I know it's him, so without turning around or even asking I say, "Come on in Andre, is unlocked" and I hear his footsteps entering the room. He's silent, something I have almost never seen before. When I look at him I see him standing in the middle of the living room, staring at his feet. I dry my hands and place the dishes on the counter before approaching him, greeting him with a smile.

"Hey," he says, a faint smile drawing on his face. Now I'm seriously worried about what he's going to say.

"Don't just stand there, Andre, sit down. Can I get you anything?" I ask him, trying to delay this as much as I could, and trying to make him feel comfortable because I can tell he's not ease at all.

"Oh, no need to worry, girl. I'm cool," he says while he sits. I just nod and join him. Neither of us speaks for around a minute; he just stares at his hands, as if there was something really interesting on them. I don't want to force the words out of my best friend, so I just wait until he talks again.

"Are you alone?" he finally asks, looking around, realizing the silence that controls the place.

"Yeah, not exactly," I say. He stares at me in confusion, so I explain. "Mom and Dad are out of town until tomorrow, but Trina's home. She's just getting her beauty sleep now, that's why it's really quiet," I say. The truth was that it was a little early even for Trina to be sleeping on a Saturday night, but I guess her day in the beauty spa and the news she just shared with her best friend, they literally must have spent over an hour on the phone talking…it seems there's people in the world that find my sister interesting…leave her exhausted.

"I see." It's all he says and he goes back to staring at his hands. I began losing my patience; he was the one who told me we needed to talk, so what's this all about? Shouldn't he be like, telling me how things with Beck went or something? I wait for another minute and nothing. That's it; it's time for me to ask.

"Andre, what's going on? Why aren't you telling me anything? You were the one who told me we needed to talk." I stare at him, frowning; he stares back, without being able to focus, like he barely heard what I said.

"Andre, are you alright? What's wrong? Please tell me, this is killing me," I say, almost in a whisper because seeing him pale as he was now made my fears grow stronger.

"No… I mean, I know. I'm alright, I think. It's just… talking to Beck was…" He stops there and sighs, like he was gathering all the strength in his power to be able to form the words he was going to say next.

"What? What did Beck say?" I rush him, unable to stop myself. He frowns and finally stares at me.

"Well, he wasn't happy," he said, almost smiling. But I can see the sadness in his eyes.

I sigh. "Of course he wasn't happy. Who would be after everything that happened, but tell me, did he say anything about me?"

"Oh yeah, he surely did." My eyes widen, afraid of what he's going to say next. I do not interrupt him because now that he's talking, I shouldn't stop him.

"I went to his house as soon as I texted you. When I got there he was in his trailer looking at the ceiling; his eyes were all red from crying. When I said hey, he was barely able to look at me," he said, as if the fact of remembering that would make him sick to his stomach.

"Anyway, I asked him how he was, and he was all upset. He told me he had been betrayed in the most horrible way by Jade… and you," he said this last part looking away, like he didn't want to see my expression when he spoke the words. He feels betrayed… Of course he does, I knew it would hurt him. I feel like trash again. I caused all this.

"I see… I understand," I reply, staring at my feet. Now I kind of understand why Andre was acting like that.

"Wait, that's not all he said" he said, so I stop and nod, allowing him to go on with what he was telling me.

He sighs once again and continues. "Well, then he added that Jade humiliated him, that she didn't even care about what he felt, and that you were dishonest, that he never expected it from you, that he thought you were his friend." That was like a knife to my chest, it was like my worst fears were true, but that wasn't all.

"And…" He pauses for a moment, "that I should choose between staying as your friend and being his because I needed to ask myself if I really wanted to stay friends with someone who didn't know what friendship really meant." That last part froze me. It was much worse that I had ever anticipated. I haven't even started dating Jade yet, let alone decided to do so, and now I had to deal with all that. I really didn't know what to do about it.

"What? Are you serious? He can't be serious; you can't just pick sides between us. That's not fair to you, Andre, it's not fair to any of us," I say, and I can feel the tears building up in my eyes. What Andre is telling me is too awful to be truth; please someone tell me it's not the reality.

"Don't you think I know that, Tori? I know it's not fair," he says and runs his hands through his hair, covering his face with his hands.

"What are you going to do?" I ask him, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I couldn't handle losing him, he's my best friend. I think I'll die without him, but I can't just tell him that. I don't want to add extra pressure to him. I know he's dealing with a lot too, and he's here, helping me, explaining everything to me. He went to Beck's because I ask him to.

"I don't know," he says. "I just can't pick sides; you are my best friend, and on the other hand I have known Beck for years now, I can't just leave him alone after what Jade did to him," he says, but when he sees my face he soon adds, "not that I think that Jade was wrong in liking you or anything, it's just… He's crushed; no one should be alone when their heart is broken." And I know it, he's right, no one should. And this is my responsibility, my doing. I did this; Beck is hurting because of me, Jade is being blamed, but I started it. I knew what was going to happen, and even if I promised myself I would never hurt a friend again, here I am, messing up everything. I even got Andre caught up in this. He shouldn't be forced to choose.

"I know," I say after a while. "I know. You should stay with him, he's hurting right now, he needs his friends, and if I know Cat, she'll stay with Jade… you and Robbie, maybe, are all he has right now," I say with determination.

He frowns and shook his head. "No, I won't." It's all he says. I look at him, and I'm not sure I understand what he's trying to tell me.

"What do you mean you won't?" I ask.

"I mean that you are my friend too; if I leave you, there will be no one there for you. I'm not picking sides. If he needs me, I'll be there, but I'm not going to stop being your friend, Tori." Then he smiles. "The heart wants what the heart wants, and I don't know what's up between you and Jade, but I'm not about to lose your friendship just because Beck thinks that I should. No way." When I hear those words come out of his mouth I feel so blessed to have him as my best friend that there are no words to describe how happy I felt.

"Thanks Andre, you are like, the best friend in the world… I just… don't want to get you into trouble, not anymore that I already have," I say and I stare at him, waiting to see his reaction, and his smile faints again.

"I know, don't thank me… I just. It is the right thing to do. I'm going to keep being friends with you and him. I'm not leaving him alone either," he says. I know it's what he needs to do; I would never ask him otherwise.

"I understand, Andre. It's the right thing to do. Anyway, in case it gives you problems just let me know. I'll do everything in my power to help," I tell him, trying to cheer him up.

A sad smile covers his face. "Thanks but… I wouldn't worry so much about me… you need to worry about yourself now. Beck is really upset. I do not know what he's capable of. I never thought he would ask me to pick sides, if he's doing that… I just… Be careful, I don't want you to get hurt." He declares like it was what was worrying him all along. And now I start thinking about all the awful things that could happen soon… what if… my dad finds out? Or I have problems at school? Ugh! I just don't know anymore.

"I will Andre, thanks for telling me. I really appreciate it." He nods and stands up. I look at the time and it's already eleven o'clock, where did the time go? I'm guessing he must leave now.

"I have to go… just, one last thing…" he says, and I stand next to him. "Come here," he adds and hugs me while whispering to my ear, "Just take care of yourself, just… be careful with Jade… she's… well, you know her." I nod. Even if I think that I'm the one messing up here, I still know what he means. Jade has a way to hurt even people she loves.

After that he went home and I stayed alone and went up to my bedroom, staying up almost all night thinking about Beck, Jade, and my dad… I couldn't get any sleep, and even when I could, only nightmares took over my mind.

And now, I am awake, and it's only seven on a Sunday morning. What should I do now? My parents are going to be here in a couple of hours. What should I do? Maybe I should just pretend everything's alright, which may be a little difficult, looking the way I look. I should get back to sleep.

I look at my phone and there is a text message from Jade. I have no idea when she sent it. It says, "Hope you're alright. Cat's at my house and she says hi. Take care. Bye." Reading this somehow makes me feel a little better, knowing that Cat is with Jade right now… at least I know she's not alone.


	9. Needles

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious and I never will...**

**A/N: Sorry for the delay, guys. I honestly did not know how to do this chapter, and I think I may have written it over and over like 12 times. Hate writer's block. -_-**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 9

I hate Sundays.

For one, they're boring. And today isn't any different. I've been sitting here, cutting up random things because I don't know what else to do. I don't know if I should call Vega. Cat's probably downstairs watching some movie originally created for children between the ages of three and seven because really, what else would she be doing when she isn't being intellectual. I'm not saying she's dumb or anything, it's just easier to slip into having the mindset of a five-year-old child who sees life through simple eyes.

Obviously Beck's out of the equation and I still don't care about Robbie. And Andre…he's basically only Beck's friend now. I groan and throw my scissors at the wall, lodging them perfectly in the center of the picture of Beck and me that I still haven't taken down. Why is it that he's everywhere? Can't I get rid of him completely in my house, in my head? I guess not, otherwise it would be done by now, wouldn't it be?

I stand up and walk out of my room, leaving the scissors where they were. I don't care about Beck anymore and I'll keep saying that until it's set in stone. No matter how many times it's said, it isn't ever going to change, and we both know that. Everyone needs to know that. As I drag myself down the stairs, I can hear the TV in the living room, Cat sitting on the couch as expected. She looks as though she's been up for hours, which I honestly wouldn't doubt. That girl can wake up at four o'clock in the morning and be as hyper as a squirrel in a nut factory.

I go to the kitchen, grabbing the box of cereal from the counter and the milk from the fridge. Cat's already set a bowl on the table for me, like she does every single time she stays over. Did I mention she's been over here _way_ too many times?

Although, it's not that I can really say I don't enjoy her company when she comes over. We've been best friends for years and yeah, there was that time I was in love with her, or so I thought, but that's not the point. The point is, aside from Tori…Cat's really the only person I can stand lately. Even though she can be completely annoying sometimes and go on and on about things that I honestly just do not give a fuck about…

"Oh Jade, your father was here this morning. He asked me why I was here and then he left." And I'm surprised, not because my father was actually home this morning, but because he actually said something to Cat instead of ignoring her like he usually does. "I told him that I was here because my brother…" I tune her out before I have to listen to her ramble about whatever crazy thing her brother did this time that will probably cause me to slam my head against the wall repeatedly until it ends. I just don't get why he would even bother talking to her. "He left when I was in the middle of my story, though. But he did tell me to tell you that you're supposed to clean the house today."

Not that it needs to be done. I only spend my time in two rooms of the house, and he spends his time in his study. I don't even think the guy sleeps. So honestly, there's no reason to clean a house that isn't even dirty. Plus it's Sunday. I don't do anything on Sundays. "Hey, Cat, feel like going somewhere today?" I eat half of my bowl of cereal while waiting for her to answer, and when I look up, she's staring at the TV, watching some dumb commercial. If any company wants to sell something…Cat should be the girl they go to, especially for marketing ideas. My father's been thinking about hiring her as a marketing consultant, but she wants to be an actress and musician and she's pretty much told him to fuck off on his offer of trying to turn her into a robot.

I don't blame her.

The commercial ends and she glances at me. "Yeah, sure, where do you want to go?" I shrug, finishing my cereal. "We could go to the mall. Maybe we could go shopping?" Shopping might take my mind off of Tori and Beck right now, and maybe it won't be so bad. Then again, if you think Cat's crazy at school…she's even crazier in a mall. Competence has nothing to do with it; she's just hardwired like every other girl. Alright, maybe a little _more_ hardwired than any other girl.

I realize I haven't given her an answer as I drop my empty bowl into the sink. What harm _could_ going to the mall do? "Yeah, it sounds like fun." She smiles and if you've ever seen Cat smile…you almost need sunglasses, it's so damn bright. But it doesn't compare to Tori's; nothing can compare to Tori's smile.

Alright, I seriously need to stop thinking about her.

It's not that I hate thinking about her, believe me when I say I like thinking about her…it's just, if I think about her Cat's never going to get me out of the house and then she'll lecture me again about "thinking instead of doing" and I need to think. I need to think about Tori or I'm going to go insane. It doesn't make much sense, does it? Yeah, I can't figure it out either.

The mall is nearly empty when we arrive, which is good in a way, since the chances of us running into someone we know is slim on a Sunday. I really don't need people asking me questions, and I seriously don't need to run into Beck or Tori here. Cat and I jump from shop to shop, checking out random clothes and objects, and somehow I get roped into trying on a bunch of clothes with her. We don't buy anything; we're just having fun, hanging out.

We're laughing about some random guy that was eating chocolate chicken strips next to the fountain as we turn a corner and we freeze, coming face-to-face with Beck. What surprises me the most is that Robbie, and the only reason I can think of is because Beck came up with some bullshit lie to get him on his side, not that Robbie really matters. This has nothing to do with him, or Cat, or even Andre. This is between Beck and me, and Tori is the unfortunate third variable in the equation.

"Jade…how nice to see you…" He smiles in Cat's direction. "Hey, Cat."

"Oh, shut up, Beck. You can drop the 'nice guy' act." Robbie's confused, but Beck's attitude changes. There's the Beck I've come to know and hate. "What are you doing here?" And I know it's a stupid question, but _no one_ goes to the mall on a Sunday. Then again…Cat and I are here too.

"I don't have to tell you my business anymore, Jade. You've made it pretty clear that you don't give a damn about me when you and Tori decided to do this."

I glare at him. "Oh, so just because I want to be with Tori, I don't care about you? No, Beck, you're the one who made it obvious that you don't want anything to do with me now that we're not together. And for the last time, Tori and I didn't decide to do anything. This is _not_ a joke, and it's not just going to be a 'haha, we're just kidding' when everyone starts believing us. Get it through your stupid, thick head that I love Tori."

I grab Cat's wrist and pull her back around the corner and toward the exit. She keeps up with me without protest and I drop her wrist once we're outside in the parking lot. "What Beck thinks doesn't matter, Jade. He's just pissed off because you broke up with him for Tori."

And for once, I'm going to take Cat's advice.


	10. Worry

**Disclaimer: I do not own.**

**A/N: It certainly has been a while since this was updated, hasn't it? Sorry for the wait.**

**Thank karurachan1 for the chapter ^_^**

**Enjoy.**

"Come on sis, it's getting late! Can´t you just get in the car now?" I hear Trina calling me from the car parked outside our house, the engine already running. Her face is annoyed and I understand. I should have been there five minutes ago, I'm just in some sort of catatonic state, and I don't think I have ever been this scared in my life.

I've been trying to delay going to classes as much as I could because I sincerely have no idea how I'm going to deal with everybody today. I just know there will be a lot of staring at me for Jade's post in The Slap; people are going to want to know what's really happening and I can't give them an honest answer, even if I wanted to, because I still don't know where I'm standing in the whole Jade thing. I know I want her, I've know that for a long time, but now it seems so much harder, you know? That post really messed up things, and it feels like it was a lifetime ago, but it was only on Friday; time is a mysterious thing…

And not only that but the whole Beck situation, his asking Andre to stay away from me, saying I was the worst person in the world, kept me awake until four in the morning last night. I know Andre said he wouldn't choose, that he was my friend too, but it's one thing to say something, and another to actually do it. Not that I doubt him, not at all, I just know he will be pushed to decide, whether he wants to or not. Beck may get mad at him if he realizes Andre still talks to me, and I don't want to cause him any more trouble. Maybe I should just talk to Beck.

It's almost funny, you know? I managed to keep myself distracted for the most part of Sunday evening, helping my parents to pick up a wedding present for a relative, and it was nice. It had been a while since we didn't expend that much time together, even if it involved talking about weddings and presents, and the annoying question about who am I going to bring to the wedding, and if I am currently seeing somebody (apparently my dad thinks I should take Andre because he is what, in his words, is a really nice and talented boy and I agree, maybe I should…).

After that our evening went without any troubles; I stayed in our living room for over three hours helping Trina decide her outfit for the wedding because for some reason she picked four different ones, so I had to tell her the best combination possible. As she said, she needed to outshine everybody, even the bride, because you never know when an agent is going to be in the audience looking for someone with as many talents as she has. She said she could be easily picked as a model/actress/singer. I'm not saying anything about that, dreaming big is all good as long as you don't keep your supportive little sister as a hostage to help you with your dresses… and shoes, and hair styles, and accessories… you get the idea. Before I knew it, it was time to go to bed.

And that was when the real problem started. I remembered everything and couldn't sleep at all. I texted Jade at 2 A.M. because it was all her fault; if she hadn't started all this, I would have been happily dreaming (probably with her anyway) so she had to be awake as I was, and if she wasn't, I would make sure to wake her up.

"_Hey, Jade! I can't sleep because of you!"_ I write and press the send key and waited for about two minutes for her answer.

"_Oh I see, so you are thinking about me now, Vega? I can only imagine what you're thinking if you can't sleep."_ Of course she would say something like that, twisting my words that way just to make fun of me.

"_That's not what I meant! I meant that I'm worried about tomorrow,"_ I replied as fast as I could.

"_Worried? I'm bored now. Just go to sleep and stop complaining like a kid, Vega. See you tomorrow._" And just like that I was on my own again. I should've known Jade would be of absolutely no help, she usually just makes things worse for me.

And here I am, getting into my sister's car, on my way to Hollywood Arts, praying for a miracle. Maybe the whole school had to be emptied for a gas leak or maybe there could be a small earthquake…I don't know… perhaps just a small catastrophe would keep everyone too busy to mind me or the recent Jade and Beck break up thing. I'm a bad person; I can't be wishing for bad things to happen only to not face my problems. Yes, it's official, I am a _coward_.

And I was thinking about that when I sensed the car stop and Trina must have seen the horror in my face because she doesn't get out of the car immediately. She turns to face me instead and tells me:

"Tori, come on, relax. I'm sure they will forget all about The Slap thing when they see me walking in with my stunning brand new designer boots. They are just awesome, don't you think?" she says, showing me the white boots. I just smile and give her a nod, agreeing. I don't really think they will forget it, but I really appreciate my sister's attempt of helping me stay calm. I know this is the most she is capable of caring for a human being other than herself.

"Alright, now get out, or we are going to be late to class," she says, getting out while I do the same, and then she spots a senior she says is her friend and runs to meet him.

I'm all alone now… Alright, Tori, don't panic. You'll be alright, you'll be alright… and the more I say it, the more I know it's not going to be true at all, like when you go to the dentist or you have to get a vaccine, so something tells me this is really going to hurt.

Then I see him; Beck, getting out of his car and I know I can't run away this time. I have to face him and take care of this situation, so I stare in his direction and I see that he has spotted me and he does not look happy. He is clenching his jaw, walking decidedly towards me. When he is five feet away for me I wave at him and say, "Hey, Beck," but he just ignores me and keeps walking without even acknowledging my presence there, like I was some sort of furniture and not his friend or at least an acquaintance of some kind. I freeze right on the spot and I watch him entering the school and I'm left there. This was worse than I expected. I knew it; it hurt, and the day hasn't even started yet. I just hope Jade's day is going better than mine.


	11. Mazes

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious.**

**A/N: So sorry for the delay, guys. It's been exactly 2 months since this was updated, can you believe it? -_- Again, sorry. But Jade's got some problems.**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 11

I wake up to my cellphone ringing, to realize that I fell asleep on the couch last night while watching some stupid show that seemed to go on for hours. Cat had left sometime after we watched a zombie movie we rented, clinging onto me as though the zombies were going to eat her or something. I honestly don't know why she's so afraid of things like that, or why she chooses movies she knows she's afraid of.

Then again Vega does the same thing.

I groan and roll onto my stomach, burying my face into the velvety cushion of the couch. Why do I have to think about her so early in the morning? It's not even dawn yet and she's already driving me insane. I sigh. It's Monday, and now Vega and the rest of Hollywood Arts is going to be waiting to see me, to ask me a million questions about what the hell I was thinking, and I just don't know how I'm going to give any of them an answer. Hell, I don't even know if Tori is going to want to speak to me.

I'm debating whether or not to even go to school, when my phone rings again. What's so important that it couldn't wait until morning? Reaching through the darkness, I find my phone on the floor next to the couch and pick it up, squinting against the bright light of the screen. After a few rings of trying to determine who it is through blurred vision, I groan and push the _talk_ button. "If this isn't a medical emergency, I'm going to cut off your fingers, knuckle-by-knuckle, very slowly and painfully…"

"Well, aren't you a pleasant mess in the morning?" And I roll my eyes at the voice, not wanting to hear my father. He never talks to me and the one time he does in so long, it's at four o'clock in the morning over a phone call.

"What do you want?" I snap, wanting to go back to sleep as soon as I possibly can.

"Did you forget what you were supposed to do this morning?" I narrow my eyes, as if it's written on the ceiling. I can't think of anything, involving him that I was supposed to have done today. But then again, my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts of one very beautiful Latina girl, so any other thoughts would have probably been washed away and forgotten temporarily. Or, where my father is concerned, forgotten. "You were supposed to come in to the office this morning."

Oh, right. I was supposed to be his little puppet. "I'm not going. I have school in four hours." I hang up and shake my head. I guess my decision's been made for me.

Rolling over, I try to fall back asleep, but it seems impossible now. My mind is on overdrive, thoughts of Tori haunting me, no matter how much I try to push them away. It's as though she's everywhere, a plague that I don't have an objection to having. I have got to be insane.

Giving up all attempts to sleep, I sigh and sit up, glancing around the darkened room. There's really nothing else to do, since the TV is infomercial central now, and Cat and Vega would both be sleeping, so there's no one to talk to either. I roll my eyes. Why did he have to choose _now _to talk to me? I could still be asleep, not ready to gouge my eyes out of pure boredom. Kicking my legs over the side of the couch, I stand and stretch, loosening my cramped muscles. I think I was too comfortable, I conclude as my limbs pop.

Dragging myself upstairs to my bathroom, I turn the knobs in the shower and discard my clothes on the floor, climbing in. The warm water is incredibly soothing, and I'm prepared to fall asleep right here and now…until my brain wakes up again. I suppose drowning in the shower wouldn't be a good thing anyway, not when I'm sort of looking forward to seeing Vega today. I have to have something to look forward to in this mess I've caused, right?

The more I think about my stupidity and the post on the Slap, the more I hate myself for putting Vega through this. Seriously, what was I thinking? And what I did to Beck…it wasn't exactly the best way to tell him, let alone break up with him, but it happened. And I don't know if he's ever going to forgive me for it, but right now, that's too much to ask for. I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

And I know that I deserve them. But the way he's acting, he's being a child about the entire thing. He's pulling this stupid war game, 'Who's siding against who?', and it's getting old. Eventually, he'll realize that it isn't a joke, whether Vega and I are together or we're not.

I turn off the shower knobs and get out, drying off. I don't even care about privacy right now, since it's too early in the morning and I'm home alone, as I find something to wear, pulling on random clothes from my closet. I've only passed an hour in my thoughts. Maybe Cat's awake now. Searching for my cellphone, I remember that I left it downstairs by the couch and descend the stairs to the living room.

My father tried to call thirty more times since I hung up on him and I delete my call history, blindly dialing Cat. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly I guess, she answers on the second ring, more awake than I am. "Hey, Jade! You're awake early. What happened?" And suddenly I'm not even sure I should have called her. "_Jade_, I can hear you breathing. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Cat. I just can't sleep." She remains silent, waiting for me to continue. "My father called and woke me up. I haven't been able to fall asleep again."

"Oh…do you want me to come over and keep you company?" I'm tempted to accept her offer, but I seriously do think I need to be alone. Talking with her on the phone is enough to keep my thoughts at bay. "You're quiet, Jade. Really, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, no, Cat. I'm fine, I promise. I don't know why I called. I'm sorry if I woke you. See you at school." I hang up and sigh. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I'm in a maze and that no matter which direction I choose, it will be wrong. And I hate to feel like this, but I can't describe it any other way. I just can't win.

I lean back against the arm of the couch and stare up at the ceiling. Why does everything have to be so complicated? This isn't a movie; if I get the girl, it won't be easy. We won't just ride off in the sunset and kiss in the rain or however the story ends. This isn't like that. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm looking at the twisted ending where I won't even get the girl. It doesn't help that Beck is hurting everyone involved by acting the way he is, but I don't think that's going to change anytime soon.

So what is there left to do?

The only thing I can do is pretend that I'm fine, that I'm not thinking about this as much as I really am, that I don't want Tori as much as that stupid post on the Slap said…But then I would be lying. And as great as I am at lying and pretending I don't care, it's just not going to work now. Everyone knows what happened; everyone _read_ what happened.

Nothing's going to change that or make it better. I'm going to have to fix everything myself, at the cost of everything I'm trying to hold onto.

I dwell on my thoughts until my cellphone rings its alarm and grab my keys. But when I go outside and close the front door behind me, I see Beck in the driveway, waiting for me. And he looks incredibly pissed off, but I suppose I'm used to it now. "What are you doing here?" I demand, ready for the argument I know he's going to set off. I'm tired of fighting with him, of defending myself and Vega.

"You have one last chance, Jade. Say that this is a joke. Tell everyone that you're kidding so that we can just get on with our lives and act like it never happened."

I stare at him in shock. He really just wants to forget this and move on? "No, Beck. I'm going to tell you one last time. This is _not_ a joke. I'm _not_ kidding. So we're not going to move on and get over it or whatever you want us to do."

"Come on, Jade. We're supposed to be the perfect couple…"

I furiously shake my head. "_No._ We broke up and we're never going to get back together because you're an asshole. I don't want you anymore. How hard is it for you to understand? _I don't want you!_" I watch as he slammed his fist on the hood of his truck and releases a string of expletives that I'll save you the trouble of reading. Shooting one final glare in my direction, he gets in his truck and peels out of my driveway, squealing tires loud against the quiet morning.

I told you he was an asshole…

Getting in my car, I start it and back out of my driveway, ignoring the dirty looks from my cranky neighbors as I drive to school. This morning has already started out wonderful. I wonder how the rest of the day is going to turn out.


End file.
